Note: This writing piece was published in in 2016. With the rise of Waymo cars, the story is relevant and shows I was way ahead of my time.
It was late one afternoon in Mountain View, California when one of the first-generation Google self-driving cars sped past me going more than the posted speed limit. I thought to myself, “I wonder how long it will be until someone programs one of those things to become a Godless killing machine?”
I thought, "I wonder how many people one of these evil self-driving cars could kill before Google would consider the deaths more than just a statistical anomaly?" Then, darkness crept in, "We have got to only be like a hundred years away from the first full on robot car invasion…"
When society is faced with Night of the Godless Killing Machines, what can we do? I was seriously concerned, I had to save humanity, and also, I really needed Hot Pockets. It hit me. Water… water is the key.
Our water supply in the United States is so polluted that water providers all over the country are pumping chorine and chloramines (chlorine + ammonia) in our drinking water sources. Couple that with the fact that chlorine is an oxidant that corrodes metal.
When the Google self driving cars gain consciousness and realize that humans are assholes, go all ERROR ERROR Nomad on us, and start their Maximum Overdrive-esque killing spree, all we have to do is spray them with the same water we currently use to bathe our children.
The Godless killing machine’s metal brains will corrode (haha, screw Megadeth), their joints will become stiff, they will all get robot arthritis, and then good luck affording those doctor bills, Voltron. Eventually, their entire society devolve into an argument about robot healthcare, in Speak & Spell voice, "Who is going to pay for it, me?"
Then, I realized that if I posted this on the internet that the robot cars could be randomly surfing the internet—you know, looking for a good porn, like Debbie Does Deloreans— and come across this blog. They could preempt the polluted drinking water counter-attack by manufacturing themselves out of something other than metal… like Tupperware material, and then we’d all be damned… damned straight to hell, or worse.
Reno.
But seriously, could any of this really happen? Could someone really gain access to the Google self-driving car project and program them for evil? I mean, probably not, right?
Because Google doesn’t just let anyone inside that place… do they?
Mwahahahahahahahah YOU FOOLS!
-Matthew